Thursday Thoughts: What Happened to My Purple Pen?

In going through some notebooks and cleaning stuff out, I found the following lines to a poem I started back in 2010.

In September of Twenty-Ten,

I bought a brand new purple pen.

I sure thought the pen was special when I purchased it, but I do not remember the pen or what happened to it. I also do not remember if I intended to use those lines in a sonnet or some other form poem. I found verses in the notebook which I finished or rewrote. I cannot remember why I wrote the lines about the pen or what type of poem I intended to write.

What I do remember about 2010 is the chaos and the worry that surrounded me. My mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease in November or December 2009 and I spent the rest of the year trying to get out of the chaos that accompanied the diagnosis. I am sure that Mom was suffering fro Alzheimer's disease before that, but the it was not diagnosed until 2009.

Mom got  worse in late 2010 or early 2011, I am not sure which because my life seemed to fall apart after the diagnosis and I am just getting it back together. Mom died on November 29, 2012.

2013 It Was...

2013 it was...
an interesting year
full of struggle,
of worry,
and learning about myself.

On the last day of 2013, I want to write about the loneliest year of my life. My mother died on November 29, 2012 and for the past 13 months and two day I have felt both her absence and her presence. I have felt her absence when going through her clothes and giving them to charity. Perhaps it was too soon to give the things away, but I felt I had to clean out her closet and give the things  to someone who could use them. I did keep two of her dresses because she painted decorations on them when she was a fashion painting instructor before the Alzheimer's disease stole her memory and her talent.

I felt Mom's presence when she came to me in my dreams. I felt her presence in the memories that going through her things brought back to me. I felt her presence with I found her pink prayer beads, which I am wearing today. I felt her  presence when I wrote poems about her and the grief I felt at not having her here physically. I knew Mom's soul was in a better place, but that did not alleviate the grief I felt at losing her.

2013 it was...
a lonely year
living in Mom's house
and not wanting to do anything
except cry.

Why are you crying? A conversation with my Mother

I hear her crying. I go to her and ask, “Mom, why are you crying?”

“I don’t know!” She says and stops crying.

I would like to know why she is crying, but it does no good to ask because Mom does not know the reason she cries. Part of the cause is depressions. I know she swallowed the pill she gets for depression because I watched her put the pill in her mouth, drink the water, and swallow the pill. Another reason for her tears is Alzheimer’s disease.

Mom suffers from Alzheimer’s disease, but she does not realize that is the problem. Mom has short-term memory problems. Mom has anger issues. Mom is depressed. Mom takes medication for everything. The medication sometimes helps, especially with the agitation and anger issues. The medication slows the progress of the disease, but it does not cure it.

If Mom cries too much, then I have another pill I can give her that will help a bit, but when she takes it, she wants to sleep. Most of the time distracting her helps the tears.  Sometimes she will stop crying if I give her one of her stuffed toys or a doll. Sometimes giving her something to eat helps, the problem here is the calorie intake. Mom now weighs 140 lbs. and if she eats too much high calorie foods, she gains weight she does not need.

Then there is the issue with the high fiber foods, because she is on a low fiber diet. I have to watch her food intake to make sure that she eats a well balanced diet with out too many high fiber or high calorie foods. Watching is a balancing act and then there is the problem of getting her to drink more liquids. Then there are the tears and sometimes nothing will stop her from crying except medication.

Toot My Horn Tuesday: Different colored medications

I can tell the difference between two of my Mother’s medications. My mother, who has Alzheimer’s disease, takes Sertraline and Namenda. The tablets for both of these medications are oval and about the same size. The only difference, besides the printing on side 1 and 2 of the tablets (which is too small to read without a magnifying glass) is the colors.

The Sertraline, which is for depression, is a light yellow tablet.  The Namenda, which is one of the Alzheimer’s medications Mom takes, is gray. This morning, Mom dropped the Namenda tablet and it fell into the folds of the blouse Mom was wearing. When the C.N.A. came to give Mom her bath, the tablet fell out of the blouse. When I looked at the color, I knew immediately that it was the Namenda.

This is something I never dreamed I would know or be worried about; when I was growing up, I did not consider being my mother’s caregiver and having to know the difference in the colors or the sizes of her medication. Until Alzheimer’s disease began stealing Mom’s memory, she took her medication without assistance. Now I am the one who has to make sure she takes her medication on time.

I just thought of another advantage to knowing the difference in the colors of the tablets. I can write a description of them. That sounds like a good writing exercise. Write a description of my mother’s medications as well as my own.

Saturday Scribbles: Of Mourning Doves and Tears in Las Vegas

Saturday Sunshine

The wind caressing oak trees

Mourning doves weeping

When I rolled the trashcan to the curb this morning, I heard mourning doves. They sound as if they are crying. Mourning doves are not the only ones crying this morning. Mom is crying as well, but she will not tell me why.

Alzheimer’s tears

Expressing my Mother’s fears

The wind will not dry

Mom has lost something and cannot find it, but she refuses what. Mom will not tell me because she does not want me find whatever she want because she is afraid I will throw it away. I think this is normal with Alzheimer’s disease. There is no use me crying because Mom would not understand, besides she will forget about whatever it was she cannot find in a few minutes. Then I can find an object, give it to her, and tell her I found what she lost.

Friday night at home again

It is the First Friday in May. There is an arts celebration occurring in the Arts District of Las Vegas. Yes, Las Vegas has an arts district and it is not on the Las Vegas Strip. There are hundreds, maybe thousands of people having fun in the Arts District, while I am at home composing this entry and listening for my mother to cry, call my name, or cough.

In a few minutes, I have to go in and wake Mom up in order to give her medication. I would like to be in the Arts District enjoying the poetry readings, the music, and the food. That is no possible because I need to have someone stay with Mom who is capable of giving her medication, which is sometimes an ordeal.

I miss not going out on Friday nights. I miss not going out on any night. It does not matter whether it is a weekday or a weekend. I am at home taking care of Mom. Our positions have reversed, Alzheimer’s disease does that; it slowly steals the memory of the person who suffers from it. However, with Alzheimer’s it is not only the person who has it that suffers it is the entire family.

Weekly Writer’s Quote: Ideas in the middle of living

My ideas usually come not at my desk writing but in the midst of living. ~ Anais Nin

I looked out my window and I saw the neighbor’s cat sitting on their front porch waiting to go into the house. I wrote a poem about the cat waiting for someone to let her in while the wind was blowing. All right, I do not get out of my house much on the weekends, but that does not mean I stop living.

I wish I could get out more on the weekends because I would find more to write about then the living going on in my house. Right now, my mother is sitting on the couch wanting to remove the oxygen tubes from her nose. I know there is a story or a poem in what I call “The Battle of the Oxygen” and it is not a science fiction story.

It is a story about the devastation of Alzheimer’s disease not only to the person who suffers from it, but to the family as well. I have written poems about Mom and Alzheimer’s, but I have not put it in a story yet. I think that is the next phase of my writing. The problem is that it is difficult to write about this disease.

As I write this post, I want to cry. I want to cry because of what is happening to my mother. I also know that I have to write about the Alzheimer’s disease and its affect my mother and me. I am in the midst of living with it; therefore, I must write about it.

A Productive Saturday morning in Las Vegas

This morning, I have made an offline journal entry, written a poem for a writing.com contest, composed two blog entries (this is my third), run a virus scan on my computer, washed a load of cloths, rolled the trashcan to the curb, picked up my Saturday paper, taken two of my morning meds, and made coffee.

I have my mother to thank for this productivity. Mom, who has Alzheimer’s disease, woke up crying about 1:55 AM. I did not get her calmed and back to sleep until about 2:30, as a results I could not go back to sleep. It is about 5:30 now, so I will not get back to bed until later tonight.

I hear Mom stirring. I hear her talking, but since she is not crying I will not disturb her. It is possible she will go back to sleep, so I will wait and see what happens in the next couple of hours. I did not plan to get Mom up until 6:30 or 7:00 this morning. Since this is Saturday, she does not go to the Adult Daycare center and can sleep a little later.

Research Topics: Planning my research

Research topics are normally Tuesday’s theme, since I did not get this posted yesterday (Tuesday, February 28) I am posting it today. There are ten months left in 2012, I want to research these topics in the upcoming months. These subjects may or may not be in research order.

1. Children’s literature
2. My mother’s and my medication
3. Dystopian and utopian fiction
4. Poetry forms
5. Macular Degeneration (for a story)
6. Vacations (I need a vacation, but the only one I am planning is a virtual vacation)
7. Whales (need the information for a novel)
8. Alzheimer’s disease (for a story)
9. Mystic poets and poetry
10. Recipes for beans, rice, and pasta (the main items in my pantry)

I forgot a character’s nam

I am writing a series of blog entries for a contest on writing.com. The entries compose a story written in serial form. Today’s entry is the last one in the series. When I began writing it I realized I had forgotten a character’s name. I had to go back to a previous entry to find her name.

I know it is a result of stress and not short-term memory lose, at least I hope stress is the cause. It is scary to forget a character’s name, especially the main character. It is an especially scary experience for me because my mother has Alzheimer’s disease and I am her caregiver.

I know there are other symptoms of Alzheimer’s besides short-term memory lose. I have not shown any of the other symptoms, so this incident with the character’s name is just a brain hiccup. Still it is upsetting because the first I thought when it happened was Alzheimer’s disease. My second thought was relax and do not panic.

A conversation with my mother

I miss the conversations my mother and I used to have before the doctored diagnosed Mom with Alzheimer’s disease. Mom and I still talk, but the conversations are “odd”. I know there must be another word, but I cannot think of it at this moment. Today, as we sit on the couch Mom and I talked; we talked about who was going to pick her up and where she was going.

I still have no idea where Mom wanted to go or who was going to pick her up. I know Mom is or was waiting for a woman to pick her up and take her to a “station”. I am guessing Mom believed she was going shopping with someone and just could not think of the word “store”. This happens with Alzheimer’s suffers, it is upsetting and I want to cry. The problem is that I cannot cry in front of Mom because she would not understand.

Mom could not understand why the woman was not here yet. She wanted to call her, but could not think of the woman’s name or phone number. I offered to take Mom anywhere she wanted, but she still could not remember where she was going. I finally convinced Mom to lay down on the couch and take a nap. By the time she wakes up she will have forgotten all about wanting to go some place or anyone coming to pick her up.

Free-write Friday: Friday Morning and Evening Interruptions

It’s Friday evening. This entry is a free-write, which means I just start writing about anything. Normally, a free-write covers several subjects, but this evening it will probably cover my day. In addition, it may not make any sense.

This morning I started to compose an entry for my other blog, but encountered interruptions. I did not get back to the entry until this evening. I forgot most of what I intended to say. I posted the entry anyway with a partial explanation.

I think I will handle next Friday’s entry differently. I am staring at the screen and wondering what to write next. I expect to encounter an interruption any minute. Lately interruptions cause me to forget the next sentence or paragraph.

I am going to end this free-write because I hear my mother crying. I have to go see if she will tell me the problem. Mom has Alzheimer’s disease, so sometimes she cries in the middle of the night.

Weekly Writer's Quote: My Self and My Own Time

“The man who writes about himself and his own time is the only man who writes about all people and all times.” ~ George Bernard Shaw

I don’t like to write about myself, most of the time. I do write about my mother. Mom has Alzheimer’s disease and short-term memory issues. One of the results of this is that she forgets she ate and therefore, she wants to eat again about ten to thirty minutes after a meal. I have to admit this does make life interesting because on Saturday and Sunday, when she is home all day, she wants to eat all the time.

There is plenty of food in the house; the problem is finding something for her to eat that is low in dietary fiber (she is on a low fiber diet) and not fattening. Mom now weighs 130 lbs. When she began going to the Adult Daycare center last year she weighed 95 lbs.

I fixed a macaroni and spaghetti sauce for us this weekend. All right, I know its probably high in calories, but its supposed to be filling. At least, that is what I thought. I added a can of green beans and heated it in the microwave. Mom still wanted to eat again ten minutes after she finished eating two bowls of the macaroni. The food either was not as filling as I thought or Mom forgot she ate and this made her hunger again. Perhaps I should put this incident in a short story.

A Good Thanksgiving Day

Oak trees golden leaves
Reflecting the morning sun
Dancing in the breeze

There was no wind today, just a slight breeze. The sky was partly cloudy, so we had sunshine sometimes during the day. The neighbor’s oak has turned completely gold and I expect the leaves to fall any time.

It was a nice Thanksgiving Day, not too cold or too warm. Mom and I had a traditional Thanksgiving meal with some mashed potatoes and dressing left over. I took a small steak out of the freezer and plan to fix it with the leftover dressing on Black Friday.

I do not plan to go shopping tomorrow because Mom is home for the rest of the week. Besides, I do not shop on Black Friday or any other time there are crowded stores. I feel rushed in a crowd and I do not like to shop when I am rushed.

I will do a little laundry tomorrow. I will also do some writing and maybe watch television with my mother. Mom was in a good mood today and singing Jingle Bells. It was a good Thanksgiving Day. I am looking forward to a good Black Friday at home.

I hope Mom is in a good mood tomorrow, but with an Alzheimer’s patient, you never know. I take each day as it comes and hope that tomorrow will be better then today.

Thursday Thoughts for November 10, 2011

It is Thursday. The air feels damp and therefore slightly chilly. There are clouds hiding the sky and the sun. Since I have not made an entry in a couple of days, I thought I would sit down and write something about my morning.

This morning, Mom woke up at 4:00 AM. She thought she had to go to work today. In her younger days, my mother was a food server; however, she has not worked in a restaurant or coffee shop for several years. Here in Las Vegas, she worked at the Showboat Hotel-Casino. In Blackwell, Oklahoma, she worked at Bob’s Grill.

I am not sure where Mom thought she was going to work this morning. I asked her but she would not give me an answer. Mom has Alzheimer’s disease so she does not always know where she is. Sometimes, Mom thinks she is still in Oklahoma, while at other times Mom realizes she is living in Las Vegas, Nevada.

I never know where she believes she is living. I have to be careful when I ask her those questions because she gets angry when she thinks I do not know where we live. Anyway, I finally got Mom calmed down enough to get out of bed and go into the living room.

Battle of the Hearing Aids in Las Vegas

My mother thinks she does not need to wear her hearing aids, so she removes them and lays them down. Earlier today, she removed her hearing aids and put them in the dish that held her lunch. Fortunately, she had eaten everything except a few grains of rice. I do not think those few grains hurt the hearing aids.

When she removes the aids from her ears, they make a noise while she is holding them. This is good because if I am not sitting next to her, I can go to the couch to find out what is going on. I heard the noise and went to see where she was putting the hearing aids. She attempted to put one of them in her mouth, but removed it immediately. This is the first time she has done something like this. I think she did it because she found them in the cereal bowl, which contained the rice. Normally, she does not try to eat anything that is not in a food container.

Usually, when she removes her hearing aids she puts them in her purse. Her purse was not beside her, so from now on I have to make sure her purse is sitting next to her or on the arm of the couch. Anywhere she can see it and get to it easily. Because of the Alzheimer’s disease, Mom cannot help the things she does.

Mom did not get hearing aids until she was in her 80s. She believes she is a young woman and can hear as well as she could when she was 18, all though, because of the Alzheimer’s she acts as if she is much younger. After I cleaned the hearing aids off, I put them back in her ears and she has not removed them again. She may have forgotten I put them in her ears.

I traded the farm for a house in the city

Today, my mother came home from the daycare center crying. She thought the driver took her to the wrong house; she had forgotten where she lived. When I opened the front door, she was surprised to see me because she thought we lived somewhere else.

I have known for some time that Mom did not think she was living in Las Vegas, Nevada. Some of her remarks caused me to realize she thought she was still live somewhere in Oklahoma. Instead of insisting that she was at home, this would have caused her to become even more upset. I told her the farm had become too much for me to handle and I traded it with the son of one of her cousins for a house in the city. I still do no know which city she thought I was talking about, but it calmed her down and made her happy.

My mother has Alzheimer’s disease. This means she has memory lose and gets angry or upset easily. I am never sure how much Mom remembers, so when she gets upset and cries, I have to figure out where she is at so that I can calm her. Sometimes this is easy and sometimes difficult.

Today, I said the first thing that popped into my mind. I knew Mom was born and raised on a farm in Oklahoma. Therefore, I worked on the premise that she thought we were living on a farm. I wish it was that easy to calm her down when she gets angry.

The Stories I Tell My Mother

Mom has Alzheimer’s disease; as a result, there are certain things she does not remember. One of the things that have slipped her mind is the death of her parents. Mom does not remember my Grandparents death or funeral.

Mom misses her parents. She wants to see them, but she does not know where they are and she cries because they do not live with us. To calm Mom down, I tell her stories about where they are. I do not mention that we buried them in Blackwell, Oklahoma, in the last century.

One of the stories I tell Mom, is that Grandpa sold the house and they moved into a retirement community that lets them travel all over the world. Yesterday, Mom came home crying and missing her parents. I told her they called from Israel. My Grandmother always wanted to visit the Holy Land and never got to; so I told Mom Grandpa took her on a trip to Israel and that they called to give her their love.

It is Sunday and I Am Not Giving Up!

It is Sunday. I am on the verge of tears. Mom, because of Alzheimer’s disease, had a difficult morning. Mom had an angry morning. Mom had an “Oh, No!” morning. Mom had a “Crap!” morning. I am not quoting anything else she said, because I would be repeating myself several times over.

It is Sunday. Mom has taken all of her morning medication. I think I have taken all of mine. I put Mom’s medication into pillboxes according to the day, so I know she takes all of her meds. I found two more pillboxes, so I am putting my daily medication into those, that way I know if I took all of mine.

It is Sunday and Mom is taking a short nap. This gives me a chance to take care of some writing and other things. Mom does not like me to get out of her sight, she gets upset when she cannot see or hear me. Mom also gets angry with me, but she cannot help that. The Alzheimer’s disease causes mom’s emotional issues.

Alzheimer’s is a devastating disease that affects the entire family, but it is especially difficult on the caregiver. I am Mom’s caregiver. On Saturday and Sunday, she stays home all day. Monday through Friday, except holiday, she goes to an adult daycare center. Therefore, the only time I am sure I can get out of the house is the days Mom goes to the daycare center.

Writing about the way Alzheimer’s effects Mom helps. I still want to cry because I remember the wonderful and kind woman Mom was before the disease began to take it toll. I am not giving up, instead I will write about the woman my mother used to be; however, that is another post for another day.

My mother sleeps with her shoes

My mother has Alzheimer’s disease. One of the things she does is to sleep with her shoes next to her pillow. I understand why she does it, she thinks someone will steal her shoes if she leaves them on the floor. At least, now she takes them off when she goes to bed.

For a while, Mom wore them when she went to bed. I had to wait until she went to sleep and then take them off. Mom usually remained asleep when I removed her shoes, but sometimes she woke up. Fortunately, she did not get angry; Mom just wanted me to put her shoes beside her pillow. Now she removes the shoes before she goes to sleep. Later this evening I will go in to make sure, she has not put her shoes back on her feet.

The title of this entry would make a good title for a poem. I am planning a free verse poem, but the form may change. Many of the things my Mother does end up in poems because writing poetry is good therapy. Poetry absorbs the emotions I feel, when I finish a poem it contains the emotions and expresses my thoughts.