The Fog is Lifting

fog dissipating
from thoughts after Mama’s death
it’s a new normal

Mom died in the hospice on November 29, 2012. On November 30, we planned her funeral. I am still in shock; I do not think shock is the right word because of her health we expected this event. Perhaps numb is a better word because when I composed the December 1, 2012 entry for my writing.com blog last night I realize that I could not remember the date she died.

This morning, after putting a load of towels in the washer, I looked up the date on the papers we received from the mortuary. When my life finally gets back to normal, it will be a new normal. I will have to live the rest of my life without my mother. I will have to celebrate every birthday without her. I will be 66 years old on December 24 and this is the first birthday I will celebrate without my mother.

This is year, on December 24; my mother will not kiss me on the cheek and wish me a “Happy Birthday”. This year, I will have to eat my birthday dinner by myself. This year,... I am not sure I can go on with the list of things I will have to do by myself on my birthday.

Why are you crying? A conversation with my Mother

I hear her crying. I go to her and ask, “Mom, why are you crying?”

“I don’t know!” She says and stops crying.

I would like to know why she is crying, but it does no good to ask because Mom does not know the reason she cries. Part of the cause is depressions. I know she swallowed the pill she gets for depression because I watched her put the pill in her mouth, drink the water, and swallow the pill. Another reason for her tears is Alzheimer’s disease.

Mom suffers from Alzheimer’s disease, but she does not realize that is the problem. Mom has short-term memory problems. Mom has anger issues. Mom is depressed. Mom takes medication for everything. The medication sometimes helps, especially with the agitation and anger issues. The medication slows the progress of the disease, but it does not cure it.

If Mom cries too much, then I have another pill I can give her that will help a bit, but when she takes it, she wants to sleep. Most of the time distracting her helps the tears.  Sometimes she will stop crying if I give her one of her stuffed toys or a doll. Sometimes giving her something to eat helps, the problem here is the calorie intake. Mom now weighs 140 lbs. and if she eats too much high calorie foods, she gains weight she does not need.

Then there is the issue with the high fiber foods, because she is on a low fiber diet. I have to watch her food intake to make sure that she eats a well balanced diet with out too many high fiber or high calorie foods. Watching is a balancing act and then there is the problem of getting her to drink more liquids. Then there are the tears and sometimes nothing will stop her from crying except medication.

Sunday Comic Memories from my childhood

I remember sitting on my father’s lap while he read me the Sunday Comics. We sit at the kitchen table and he would read the comics aloud between sips of coffee. At the time, we lived on College Street in Blackwell, Oklahoma.

I remember watching Dad sip his coffee and wondering if the coffee tasted as good a it smelled. One Sunday morning, I decided I wanted to taste Dad’s coffee. I reached for the cup, but instead of picking it up I pulled it off the table and spilled it in Dad’s lap and mine.

The coffee was hot enough to burn. Mom and Dad rushed me to the hospital. I think at that time, the hospital in Blackwell was on College across from a grade school. At the hospital, the doctor took care of my burns and my parents took me home. This is all I remember about this incident, it did not stop me from wanting to drink coffee.

Waiting for my Mother

Mom goes to adult daycare Monday through Friday, which gives me a few hours to leave the house and do some shopping. I have to be home by 3:00 PM, so that I am here when Mom gets home between 3:30 and 4:00 PM. I did not go shopping today instead; I remained at home to work online. I did not get much work accomplished because I was learning to use my new browser. It is faster then the old browser and easier to use.

Waiting for mother
I work with the new browser
A new rate of speed

My mother sleeps with her shoes

My mother has Alzheimer’s disease. One of the things she does is to sleep with her shoes next to her pillow. I understand why she does it, she thinks someone will steal her shoes if she leaves them on the floor. At least, now she takes them off when she goes to bed.

For a while, Mom wore them when she went to bed. I had to wait until she went to sleep and then take them off. Mom usually remained asleep when I removed her shoes, but sometimes she woke up. Fortunately, she did not get angry; Mom just wanted me to put her shoes beside her pillow. Now she removes the shoes before she goes to sleep. Later this evening I will go in to make sure, she has not put her shoes back on her feet.

The title of this entry would make a good title for a poem. I am planning a free verse poem, but the form may change. Many of the things my Mother does end up in poems because writing poetry is good therapy. Poetry absorbs the emotions I feel, when I finish a poem it contains the emotions and expresses my thoughts.

The house is silent

My mother, who is 90 years old, is in the hospital. The house is silent, when I look at the couch Mom is not setting there. When Mom is home, the television is on all the time, but I do not turn it on when I am alone and working at the computer.

This morning I went to visit Mom. She was upset because she has an IV in her arm and she wanted it removed. We cannot remove the IV because the doctor wants to rehydrate Mom. Mom does not want to drink water; it is difficult to get her to drink any water with her meds or any other time. When she comes home, I am going to give her flavored water to see if she likes that better. I have also arranged for her to spend some time at an adult daycare center; that should help.

The house is silent. When Mom is home, she is always talking, crying or laughing. Mom does laugh sometimes, not often enough though. I miss Mom. I miss her asking for a peanut butter sandwich. I miss her asking for a cup of coffee, I wish she asked for water the way she ask for coffee.

My mother is 90 years old

I watch Mom eating
A peanut butter sandwich
She looks like Grandma

I did not realize until I watched Mom eating her breakfast today how much she looked like her mother. I knew Mom acted like Grandma, because Mom wants to do everything for herself just like her mother.

A Beautiful Summer Day

It's a beautiful summer day, not too hot and not windy. The sky is decorated with a few fluffy white clouds and I have laundry on the line. I enjoy hanging out cloths on days like this. The cloths dry quickly, which means I can get two or three load done.

There are disadvantages to hanging cloths on the line. The main disadvantage is wrinkles; you have to iron the cloths after you bring them in the house. I have to get a new iron because the old one doesn't work properly. It's a steam iron anyway and my mother doesn't care for steam irons. Actually, my mother is the one that irons the cloths, she enjoys it and it gives her something to do.

I haven't written a poem about my mother ironing cloths. Ironing cloths is a good subject for a poem. A poem about my mother ironing cloths would be a good addition to the group of poems I have about my family.

Sunday Morning in Las Vegas

It's Sunday, March 29, I am sipping my first cup of coffee and listening to the dryer. I look out my living room window and see a cloud covered sky. My mother is still asleep, but I'm going to have to wake her up so she can take her medication and get her day started.

I don't like waking Mom up before the coffee is brewed and at least one load of cloths is drying. The only thing we have to do today is early vote. The primary election is scheduled for Tuesday, April 7, and I will be working the polls so I have to early vote. Mom goes along with me to early vote as well.

I like the idea of early voting, therefore, when it's available I early vote whether I'm working the polls or not. I haven't investigated to see if it increases voter turnout. I sure it does or the election department wouldn't give that option to people. Working the election polls is an interesting job because you meet many wonderful people.

One interesting advantage about working an election, whether it's a primary or general election, is seeing the look of joy on a young person's face when he or she comes in to vote for the first time. I don't think I've written a poem about working the polls maybe I need to do that this year. After all, the primary election is in April and April is National Poetry Month.